U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We had sex on a dog bed..
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
