You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
