I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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