do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
