My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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