I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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