Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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