I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
farters have to be the big spoon...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
