she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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