My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
