I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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