I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
