in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
