Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
