i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
