I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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