i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
His nipple licking is glorious
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