just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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