i just wanna soil my oats bro
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
