there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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