I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
