woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
