my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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