Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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