So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
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