I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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