i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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