The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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