I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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