I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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