Rock
Scissors
Fuck
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
