hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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