his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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