So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
