I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
