weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
