I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
