I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
