mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
