i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
