we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
