Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
