someone get that fucking seahorse.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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