I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
