i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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