I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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