i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
