On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
