Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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