it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
