Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
