Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
